nO AiR

I really like this song.  It talks about a relationship with "No Air". This is the relationship I am having with my life.  It is hard to breathe.  I feel stifled in allot of my relationship with others, places, and, myself. I feel like I am down at the bottom of a very deep hole and I can see no light at all.  It is a good thing that I can at least recognize that I am there this time. I try to look at the positive things going on.  But I seem to get nowhere. My hole has some very slippery sides and I feel at times to have no energy to climb anymore.  Again I am not wanting your pity or for you to feel sorry for me.  I am being honest with you and myself.  I am just trying to show you how my carzy brain thinks.
This is a hard time for me. 
My dog Cerberus was going through allot of pain at this time.  We put him to sleep the day after Halloween. It was like losing a child to me.  Someone who was my friend when I needed an listening ear, my t.v. buddy, my companion, who was always excited when I came home no matter how long I had been gone, etc.
 October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I think of my Mom and all the other people fight with cancer. The memories of wanting to help. protect, be a support so far away.  I wish I could of done more.  The what if game, I am a poor loser and I want to cheat sometimes too.
The weather is changing here in Klamath Falls. I do like the fall colors and wearing my jeans, hoodies, long sleeved tees, etc.  But, with cold weather comes cloudy days, not allot of sun and warmth. I know sometimes my thoughts about the changing weather make no sense but, this is how I feel.  I need to be true to my thoughts and feelings.  Someone has to.  I just want to take a breath, that is all.

oRdiNaRy WorLD

I heard this song this week on one of my favorite t.v. shows "Private Practice".  Duran Duran is one of my all time favorite bands, so I was surprised how much I loved the remake of this song, Ordinary World by Cary Brothers.

HoLD oN

This is a part of my life that I have kept hidden from allot of my friends and family for a long time.  When I heard David Archuleta's version of R.E.M.'s song "Hold On" it got me thinking of my own struggles every day with depression, anxiety, and suicide. This song says, "When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on Don't let yourself go Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes." I have had allot of those times that I have wanted to let go. I am tired.  But, something, someone or something I have heard eventually pulls me back and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, again.

I am not telling you this part of my life for you to feel sorry for me.  I am telling you because it make it real now.  I am not wanting to hide anymore. I am free now.  That people with my issues can survive and they make another day, week or year.  I CAN change!